Looking out the window,
a mere memory of a view.
Tell me what you saw in me and I’ll probably say the same for you.
This is where we’ve been and this is where we are now.
Hold you closer.
Thanks for taking the chance on a lost soul like me.
Quick, let’s revise. I was only lost until I found you.
Your love has cemented my insistent wandering.
Your love created this home.
I just made it mine.
It’s important to keep track of it.
Knowing when the relentless confusion resulted in finally feeling the comfort of anger;
the powerful emotion that you were once so afraid of, has come to save you.
It has come to show you that what you thought you wanted was never real,
that his arms are.
That the pressure of his lips on your forehead means that he loves you whole.
There’s no conditions, there’s no negotiation needed— he takes you as you are.
This scares you, because you are aware of your flaws,
that drove you apart from the life you once had—
a life that was slowing killing you, but you were too numb to feel the pain.
You were too afraid to feel, no one blames you, but now you do.
It’s like glasses.
Well, there’s nothing but honesty at this point.
There’s no more hiding behind the protection I once touted.
I thought that I was being brave— but I was just being a coward.
You were the only one who felt the whole time—
you are courageous.
Here’s the thing about us — it was always there.
Below the water’s surface, when I could finally admit it.
This is real. This is how you meant it.
It was the moment I felt my heart break,
When you were finally gone—
That’s when I knew that you were it and I couldn’t do this without you.
You were the whole that I could never accept
because of my own immaturity, fears and self-doubt— you stayed anyway.
I will give you my best because that is all you ever gave me.
No matter the miles or years— you were there.
“No Matter.” 09.08/14
I’ve been waiting years now,
and I’ve finally escaped you.
You can’t reach me with those lines, that you use to reel me back to you.
There’s no more prize, because I’m not playing this time.
So you’ll have to go home empty-hearted,
I can’t fill you up with some temporary love
I am fresh out of excuses for myself to be acting up.
It’s time to go on, I’ve been out in the cold too long enough to
know what the warmth of being in love is about
& I want to know.
You can have the last few years,
stow away the memories that I’ve been forced to throw away,
out of sheer protection, out of sanity, out of any sort of sensibility that still remains.
You can have the all the times I tried too hard to make you laugh,
that dumb smile that I couldn’t shake,
my blind ignorance and full-forced love.
You can have the whole bed.
You can have whatever you’d like without a debate,
you can have your freedom and no obligatory goodnight calls.
You can have the me that I was when I was yours.
You can have my ghost.
Blame it on the weather,
blame it on the bad luck laced years,
blame it on the choices you’ve made with your naive heart.
You can blame it on your ignorance,
or your heart-racing desire.
Blame it on the inevitable crush.
Pick yourself up.
This is your only run at this.
Blow by blow, do your best to always be your best.
I don’t know what you want from me
You don’t know what you want from you
We’re spinning round like we have for years
Because that’s what we do
It’s the round about that keeps me floating
It’s the memories that keep me here
Just far enough from you arms
But just close enough to your heart
That rarely beats — for me
You don’t like that have a piece of mind
That differs from yours that’s set
Concrete valves and stubborn way
Gets me nowhere fast
And it doesn’t matter that I try
So hard that I could just break
At any moment, one look is all it’ll take
And it doesn’t matter that I still love you
Because love isn’t enough it seems
To break down the walls you’ve reinforced
To keep out the better days
And it’s the you and me,
The poison preventing me from doing a thing
And if I could, I would run
I would erase each morning I woke in your arms
And every time I think about it,
I breathe life back into the memories
You can’t haunt me anymore.
This one’s for you, I don’t hate you.
I am angry because I miss you so much and you’re gone.
I can’t even yell at you anymore.
I scream at the walls, they know too much.
And if I could go back, I’d find a time when I was in your arms and the hours weren’t numbered.
A time when your smile meant you were happy
and I would never question its intention—
I would go back and I would find the you that got lost along the way.
Because the truth is, I was happiest then.
And I’m not sure if I know how to get myself out of this again.
I am in too deep. I made my bed and I shall rest.
Sleeping with ghosts keeps you alone.
I stand here, pressing my heels into the ground.
As if my stature symbolizes my motivation; I’m not backing down this time,
I am not being pushed over this time, I am standing firm this time.
Foolish pride, what have you gotten yourself into?
Recite your words.
Tell yourself that you can get through it,
that you’re stronger than you’ve been showing these last few years.
Remember the “you” you used to be.
Remember how it felt when you were truly happy.
It comes down to minutes.
How you handle yourself in these pressing conversations.
These are just words I once wrote about you.
They shouldn’t mean a thing.
I can’t wait forever on you, baby.
Baby? Baby. I repeat the words as they sound foreign.
It’s been years since I saw you last.
And yet, I am comfortable in the role carved out for me.
My eyes aren’t as wide as they used to be, but I’m still breathing.
I am still me. And this is still some version of living,
and maybe one day I’ll be loving.
There’s no more room left for you;
in my heart, in my bed in my future plans.
You made it this way.
I never had say. I never had a win;
you rigged it from the start.
Made me fall so deeply in love, there was never a way out of this alive.
Well, here I am; skinned knees and all.
I am still the same girl, just bruised from the fall.
And at least I loved, at least I tried, at least I gave you my best from the start.
And someday I will be whole again, just not right now.
So don’t ask me if I’m okay, don’t remind me of our life that I wanted more than my own, just don’t.
This loss belongs to you.
I sat silent, for years now.
Hinting at quietly what I wanted to be.
I want to be happy,
I want to be in love,
I want to call you up just because.
And if you noticed, I am still the same,
the same girl you met, freezing in December, that made you feel again.
Oh. Life has gotten hard.
You’re cold and distant and we’re worlds apart.
There’s no point in me laying down,
because need to be up for battle when we’re on the second round
and I know you, at least, I’d like to
I see the person that you used to be when you loved me
but you’re gone, and I’m still searching for your ghost within these halls
and I’m searching for your love within my bed,
and I know now, that sometimes things just need to go rest.
wish list. 06/17/2013
There’s an empty that was never there before
I notice it like a room without you; just doesn’t feel right.
You say that I’m young and that I’ll be just fine.
Well I can’t just be anything I used to be,
you changed me.
I don’t fit in the places I used to,
I don’t care to.
If it’s not you, then it’s foreign.
Now I am left learning;
How to live, love, be any sort of me I once was
Before you made yourself comfortable.
I can’t even count the months,
You still run through my veins
And what you can tell me is that you’ll never leave
it sounds so good coming out of your pretty mouth.
Deep down, I know it’s not real,
because sooner or later
someone always ends up alone.
It doesn’t matter if, you love them with all that you have,
one day you’ll wake to find that he’s gone somewhere.
He might be sleeping on couch, six feet under, or in someone else’s bed
but you end up winning the war on sharing the covers.
It’s not going to be me.
I refuse to pack my things again.
This is my home, see my picture, I hung it just now
to make this place look more relatable to yours
make you feel comfortable
as you visit my heart.
pictures make a home. 08/28/2012
I found your new favorite place, besides me.
and you seem to think that you know of the dark that consists of me,
I show you only what I think you can handle,
a pre-determined limitation of strength and willingness to keep at it,
I’m sorry if you feel undersold, but I have familiarized myself with this path before
I know where each line leaves us before the confessions even begin to leave these lips
It will never be fair, it will never be easy.
And due to all the things that make us who we are,
you will never have me the way you want me.
It’s just a formality, to keep you guessing, to instill a safe distance
No one likes rough edges anyway.
It’s important to date it,
let’s you remember a time when you felt again,
a time when you felt good again and you just happened to be in his arms.
And while you stare into his deep, green eyes; keep yourself.
Try to link back to your hard-pressed opinion;
“love is but an idea, an expectation, of what we should all be striving for;
to spend our whole lives searching for someone to love us whole.”
Well, I’ve learned that sleeping alone isn’t lonely,
it’s an owned comfort, because you will always have you.
And if you should find yourself with an unshakable thought of him,
maybe it’ s more than some underlying need to wrap yourself in the security of another,
more than seeking some sort of warmth, not producible by one,
perhaps it’s more than what you’ve intended or expected, this kind of more is better.
There were shreds of light seeping through
when I met you,
Didn’t really know how dark it was before
There is a sort of calm about you,
I guess it was chaos before
And it’s a fearful proposition;
not sure if it’s a loaded gun
let it rest on your nightstand,
there’s no more war.
There’s a safety in your arms
that settles me.
There’s an unfamiliar comfort to you
which intimidates me.
But all it takes is that look you get in your eyes
to unarm me.
I’m not used to a good like you;
still watching for the cracks at the seams
your sincere honesty falls foreign on me
however I’m not running;
I have found myself drawing in cement.
so these things we cannot forget.
And I remember when you just watched
I saw you disappear without any objection
I didn’t even matter that much
Collect your thoughts, saying this won’t come easy
And if I leave you , you won’t wonder
Grown accustomed to the comfort
Knowing that I will be back open armed and ready
For your new decision
I see what’s to come of this
Reality outweighs what I want it to be;
That you’re always right and I’m right besides you
When did I lose track,
When did my voice grow so small?
The time aligned with me falling for your words
And I am not meant to believe this
I am not that naïve
I’ve done this all before
No matter what role I lead
It’s the same circumstance
You lace your tongue with reasons
Follow the stars back home
But it still leaves you in the cold
And if you close your eyes you can see
The way it was supposed to be
And even though you can’t quite make it out
Through the sun and the lights
It looks much better than before
Your heart is almost as loud as
Your heels on the pavement
If you think of me as much as I do we are fine
I found your old love letters
They used to line your books
I sent them away to someone;
It’s nothing personal.
There was nothing remotely familiar to the curve
Of your signature— so accustomed to you signing off
You say you miss the way the pen felt
That this new way just isn’t the same
But I can store you in places where you can never escape from
My memory fails me sometimes
So this is for the details, this is for me.
And right now your body is parallel with mine
I bring you to my lips
Foolish pride what have you gotten yourself into?
Tell yourself you didn’t mean it
Reverse your heart; useless afterthoughts
He’s got you good— you love him too.
These are just words
Written about you
To remind you no matter the distance
That you have too much of me
An uncomfortable proportion of a confiscated heart
Throbbing fingers take memorized paths
Across your parts that hold me
I’ll break you down in pieces, an easier negotiation
But your eyes get so blue
I need you separate, whole, always
This is what happens when you get in
Set your roots in my heart
Spread your limbs through my veins
You grow with me, you bend with me
We coexist, we complement
And there’s nothing wrong here
Except for my liquored tongue—
Saying too much.
I’m practically spilling myself out
You just watch patiently
You know you’ve always had me
Last time I kissed you
There was the faint taste of optimism
Thoughts electrified insolent hopes
Bargain with yourself, keep quiet
You wrap yourself around me
I’d rather feel nothing more than this
Mere collection of emotions
And maybe it’s not for us to understand
It’s time to accept just to accept it
I think you were watching, your eyes were wide
You’re making it difficult to verbalize.
Replay these things
I cannot make sense of it
And maybe I’m not supposed to
It’s always you
It has always been that way
Without cognitive choice
Absent in the decision
Rationalize the beats; this is what we write of it
This is how we complicate and devastate
This is how we feel
You make me helpless
The takeover; disable my better judgment
I never had any other choice
It was done before
Incomparable, relatively foreign, magical
Feel the sparks through our veins
Ignite, burn, fury, addictive
Your lips, your pressure, your presence
This much feeling is dangerous
There is no compromise I want every piece of you
I came without levy
You already have me
pour toi. 03/02/2010
I liked you better without the words
Simply tangible actions
It hurts less.
And I have a tendency of giving myself away to easily
And if I let you in, chances are I may regret it
But you look so good just laying there
And if for a moment I let myself wonder
It would be a moment too long
Such dangerous thoughts should not linger.
Something’s wrong, I can’t seem to reach you.
I’m having difficulty gauging you
I miss your eyes, how they found something deep in mine
We aren’t simply patterns, life in repetition
There need no explanation
I keep writing, maybe words will make sense of all this
I can’t keep writing you letters
With such an uncertainty of you never reading them
They keep talking, it’s just noise at this point
All it ever was, you protected me
You saved me from the sound
I need this; you.
Pause— a desperate attempt for rationality to take its place back in mind
Reason seems to fail me
I think I may break, I wasn’t supposed to bend this way
Whatever keeps you with me.
It’s so cold
And I can feel your bones bend with me.
I’m envious of your clarity—
Maybe I could freeze the beats
I could think rationally
Place myself out of the reach out of your arms
Won’t fall victim to your eyes
Your slow descent to consume my heart
is overwhelming, there’s a realization but no yield
It’s as if I am just watching and feeling
And you ask me to be content with just
These passing hours and breathing
Well I’m not and I won’t be
This much responsibility can’t be this easy
And the more I think I know results in a less reality
I have so much faith in this uncertainty
I’m relatively naïve.
You’re like fire; a force so great
Overwhelmed my fighting capacity
Let you burn so bright
Your brilliance is captivating
I catch myself staring, I can’t help it
My mind and my heart have finally agreed
I can’t just ignore you
You’ve made me helpless
Maybe if I’d helped myself less to you
I wouldn’t have to have you
In my arms or around you
Intoxicate my rationality
An understanding beyond familiarity
It’s got to be that time of night
It calls me into your arms
Persuades irrational thinking
Hours slip by, you encourage loss of count
You make me feel good
But you’re rarely a good influence
It doesn’t matter, it’s only temporary
Detach myself from hidden meanings
Your pressing hips
This is just what it looks like
So just stop looking
Enjoy the elapse of understanding
I’m here and this is now
Appreciate my company
Feelings only lingering
You’ve got that kind of magic
That reaches to my bones
And wakes desire sleeping
A letter in your back pocket
Namely from your best friend
Missing you and the way you spoke
When you thought fondly of them
A shadow of a doubt is cast
It was inevitable
We were so in love
It was unpreventable
The cold sets in
She stretches to accommodate
Your sinking pain
Bending to alleviate
The things you didn’t say
Searching for a remedy
That time ultimately decides
Living with what was to take
Slow the beats to survive
Sharing the shell of our life
It’s been one month
Since I saw you last
Reach into your back pocket
Find a letter from your best friend
Telling you how much I miss you
I found it within myself to let go of this aching guilt you’ve placed on me.
I forgive you for your resilient anger that took over the only person I’ve ever loved.
I still search for you in our bed,
I feel like I was missing the biggest part of me when I began to lose you.
I can’t help it, I still love you.
Sometimes I crawl atop your sleeping your body just to remember your warmth
Once I thought death was most painful, but this is far worse than I ever could have imagined
Well, when I look at you I see all the reasons why I swallow that sinking feeling; an unparalleled hollow,
And smile at you and mean it.
This is going to force me to be strong, whether my legs can take standing broken and lonesome
Eventually it won’t feel strange waking up without you
When I think of your perfect smile and how your hands would cradle my head as you kissed me I won’t break down completely. I’ll just push it to the farthest part of my cursed memory.
Days will pass, no matter how tightly I will fight to hold onto them
Days will go and there won’t be anything I can do to stop you from making up your mind
There’s nothing I can say now that I haven’t already said,
There’s not a thing I could do to make you feel the way I want you to
Unwillingly I surrender my faith to an unknown time with its own uncertain agenda
Unwillingly I must go to bed with my fears, cuddle up with doubt, and face each morning as it comes
Because it will come.
The sun will continue to shine.
Life will go on living.
Pieces will fall as they may.
I never agreed to this, ache.
I never saw the lines, you so clearly drew.
This is not the you that I’m used to.
I followed my heart and it got me lost,
I followed the signs, I must have misread them.
I followed the stars, then I remembered;
There are no stars in the city, they are just lights
I know nothing except this feeling now,
This is what “reeling” is
I am but a fishing wire
Trying to grasp onto a love that once held me,
Onto a life I thought I knew
At a time of such loss,
All I could think of was you.
It was always you, I never had a choice.
It’s exactly how you said it’d be; silent
This is the worst way to say
The things you really mean
They don’t come across easily
Well, I wish I could stop you there
Before the words set
Before I can’t erase them
But you kept on going
As if you enjoyed the sound they made
Maybe if I bury them deep
Enough they won’t resonate through my doubts
But I am flawed and I can’t forget
I cannot bury the words,
They are inherent of me
As soon as I am able to write them,
I can face it
I have been just floating;
Paralyzed from the pain from that night
Trying to find a way to dodge the implications
Trying to grasp onto the strength I once boastfully had
To pull myself together to stand beside you
To not feel the empty you created
This is me, now.
And sometimes there is simply nothing left to say.
You know what needs to be done, you know the imminent pain
You want some familiarity—
You want the crush
Because you can’t take the waiting
It keeps you sinking
You start you search for the better;
To find a distraction.
It never used to be this hard
And this must be love,
Here comes the sacrifice
Here’s to your happiness
At the cost of mine
You should know that I’m always on your side
It’s a perfect sort of repetition,
You do it because you know it
I remember my wide-eyed ambition
I remember the sparks
Time separates who we once were and
who we ought to be
Growing up seemed like more fun that what it really is
They forget to tell you things;
How to smile,
How to hide the hurt in your eyes,
How to bargain with yourself,
It’s harder than it looks
To keep breathing.
“Keep breathing.” 12/2/10
Please let me know how I could be strong
I just don’t see how it can be done
This is my worst fall
I found your letters—
All addressed to someone else
There’s nothing you could ever say now.
I remember lights;
You hung the colors.
I never loved someone so much.
It hurts to swallow
I remember lights
Too long, my crutch
A wanted dependency,
Until all the walls fell from this home
Well I don’t know how to go back,
Nor do I want to
This was so easy, you just had to love me
I wrote your lines,
Gave you notes,
Gave you everything, to keep me
Hold on, this shouldn’t be easy
There’s nothing left
But you’ve got yours, always had a safe bet
I forgot the traits to keep me safe
Lost them, when I lost myself to you
I’ve sold all the parts
That made me who you used to know
Well I told you I loved you
But that was never enough
You have an idea
That you can miss
When you can’t reach me anymore
Then it starts; regret
you convince yourself that you saw me
You make a habit out of looking
It’s a lonely thing
The truth in knowing you’ll never be in
My arms, because they didn’t hold you just right
But you didn’t mean, you were fishing for a way out
I’ve done my best,
Tried to put you away
Tried to keep you out of the places
That you always find yourself in
I’m not interested in this mess you make
I’m always the one
Left with the pieces
You don’t allow yourself to belong to any of it
It only results in hard swallows; prideless
Nervous, wanting you all the time
It’s not like I can, get to you the way I want to
Let me reach you,
Let me know you
You make me do it, force it on you
Make you know things
So I’m real to you
Not just your convenience, not just your getaway
you can always count on the rain
to slow you down
leave you anticipating its retreat
this taste saturates my mouth
leaves me wanting you more
this is the place we said we’d be safe in
that we’d surrender any negative inhibitions
retire our plighting hearts for harbor
I believe in your words, although they are many
To fill the air
To ease my curiosity
To close the paths you thought I forgot about
Well I know them, know where they lead
Made my way through every consumable organ
Of yours— annexed, resided
Just because I could
Stuck between green and gray
In a synthetic light
Transitioned a means to this end
I’ll tell you all about it
You’re stranded in a pavement prison
Far from my reach
The problem with following your heart
Is that it is blind and selfish
It wants everything
It cares not for consequence
Well you don’t get to have me like that;
I changed my mind about you,
I can’t keep up this.
It comes down to these words—
It comes down to me in pieces
I like the complexity of you;
fragile and nervous.
I watch you, so delicate
Choose my words with reason
Never know when you’ll stop listening
Speak factiously, merely habit
And all the ways, they lead me back to you
And I’ve got no particular reason
For hanging around.
Watch your eyes fill—
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be standing here
But I never see you this vulnerable
You left your things scattered around
In case I changed my mind
In case I needed a piece of you for a while longer
This wasn’t what I had in mind
but it wasn’t in yours either
No one’s to blame;
Lines written in these pages about you
I hear you,
You’re calling from the bedroom;
your infectious laughter
And I swore I felt your arms around me
They just watch, pity pouring down
They can’t speak, but I know better
Lay in your bed with you
As much as you love it, I’m doing this for me
It just happens because we lose sight for a while
We close up and shut down
We forget the paths we once knew
And when we look up we can’t find our way home
But we love the city we love to get lost in its streets
and I’ve got no reason for this
but I can’t help but want to see the sky
take a deep breath—
this is irrational
I couldn’t help but notice
That when you look at me
You look on by
I don’t know if it’s conscious or habitual
You keep it all in
Maybe if I asked- no
I started in the back
But these thoughts just creep through the pages
And if you just keep quiet
No one will ever know
You can have your thoughts,
The tears while I’m sleeping
You’re entitled to them
Write it down,
Eventually the want will dissipate
You will come to just accept it
Because you promised you’d always love me
back pages. 8/26/10
And I rather not know
Because knowing brings consequences
It bears responsibility
It forces an action
Whether you want to or not
You’re going to hate what I’m about to say
But I am going to say it anyway
Well I don’t need you like I thought I did
Turns out I can stand up tall now
All these years on the ground
All these years talking in turn
I miss my voice
I miss it against yours
If you just get yourself to that point
You won’t feel it
And it may not look right; sacrifice clarity
And I don’t know who you think you are
Coming into my heart like it’s an open place
And as long as I have to stay here
I will wait; hold my own hands
Just to give them some substance
I’m afraid the worst has come of this;
It was never you; it’s because I want more than knowing
You take as much space,
Leave me be
What you thought was right,
But how could ever really know
Because you swept me off my feet
Because I believed in you
Because you looked just like I wanted you to
And I will leave you open
So you can feel the sting
You can accompany me in this
Share the responsibility
Last time I checked, you want this
You wanted to work it out
You wanted the hard work
I agreed but the problem is that
I will never be enough for you
I will never take over your heart I like I need to
Securely place myself in your veins
I ask a lot, I know that
And what’s wrong with wanting everything