poetry

Looking out the window,

a mere memory of a view.

Tell me what you saw in me and I’ll probably say the same for you.

This is where we’ve been and this is where we are now.

Hold you closer.

Thanks for taking the chance on a lost soul like me.

Quick, let’s revise. I was only lost until I found you.

Your love has cemented my insistent wandering.

Your love created this home.

I just made it mine.

Home.” 4/20/15

It’s important to keep track of it.

Knowing when the relentless confusion resulted in finally feeling the comfort of anger;

the powerful emotion that you were once so afraid of, has come to save you.

It has come to show you that what you thought you wanted was never real,

that his arms are.

That the pressure of his lips on your forehead means that he loves you whole.

There’s no conditions, there’s no negotiation needed— he takes you as you are.

This scares you, because you are aware of your flaws,

that drove you apart from the life you once had—

a life that was slowing killing you, but you were too numb to feel the pain.

You were too afraid to feel, no one blames you, but now you do.

It’s like glasses.

“Seeing.” 9/23/14

Well, there’s nothing but honesty at this point.

There’s no more hiding behind the protection I once touted.

I thought that I was being brave— but I was just being a coward.

You were the only one who felt the whole time—

you are courageous.

“Courageous.” 9/11/14

Here’s the thing about us — it was always there.

Below the water’s surface, when I could finally admit it.

This is real. This is how you meant it.

It was the moment I felt my heart break,

When you were finally gone—

That’s when I knew that you were it and I couldn’t do this without you.

You were the whole that I could never accept

because of my own immaturity, fears and self-doubt— you stayed anyway.

I will give you my best because that is all you ever gave me.

No matter the miles or years— you were there.

No Matter.” 09.08/14

I’ve been waiting years now,

and I’ve finally escaped you.

You can’t reach me with those lines, that you use to reel me back to you.

There’s no more prize, because I’m not playing this time.

So you’ll have to go home empty-hearted,

I can’t fill you up with some temporary love

I am fresh out of excuses for myself to be acting up.

It’s time to go on, I’ve been out in the cold too long enough to

know what the warmth of being in love is about

& I want to know.

“Defrost.” 09.08.14

You can have the last few years,

stow away the memories that I’ve been forced to throw away,

out of sheer protection, out of sanity, out of any sort of sensibility that still remains.

You can have the all the times I tried too hard to make you laugh,

that dumb smile that I couldn’t shake,

my blind ignorance and full-forced love.

You can have the whole bed.

You can have whatever you’d like without a debate,

you can have your freedom and no obligatory goodnight calls.

You can have the me that I was when I was yours.

You can have my ghost.

“Ghost.” 05.13.14

Blame it on the weather,

blame it on the bad luck laced years,

blame it on the choices you’ve made with your naive heart.

You can blame it on your ignorance,

or your heart-racing desire.

Blame it on the inevitable crush.

Pick yourself up.

This is your only run at this.

Blow by blow, do your best to always be your best.

“Youth.” 4/30/14

 

I don’t know what you want from me

You don’t know what you want from you

We’re spinning round like we have for years

Because that’s what we do

It’s the round about that keeps me floating

It’s the memories that keep me here

Just far enough from you arms

But just close enough to your heart

That rarely beats — for me

You don’t like that have a piece of mind

That differs from yours that’s set

Concrete valves and stubborn way

Gets me nowhere fast

And it doesn’t matter that I try

So hard that I could just break

At any moment, one look is all it’ll take

And it doesn’t matter that I still love you

Because love isn’t enough it seems

To break down the walls you’ve reinforced

To keep out the better days

And it’s the you and me,

The poison preventing me from doing a thing

And if I could, I would run

I would erase each morning I woke in your arms

And every time I think about it,

I breathe life back into the memories

You can’t haunt me anymore.

“Haunt.” 3/21/14

This one’s for you, I don’t hate you.

I am angry because I miss you so much and you’re gone.

I can’t even yell at you anymore.

I scream at the walls, they know too much.

And if I could go back, I’d find a time when I was in your arms and the hours weren’t numbered.

A time when your smile meant you were happy

and I would never question its intention—

I would go back and I would find the you that got lost along the way.

Because the truth is, I was happiest then.

And I’m not sure if I know how to get myself out of this again.

I am in too deep. I made my bed and I shall rest.

Sleeping with ghosts keeps you alone.

Rest.” 07/02/2013

I stand here, pressing my heels into the ground.

As if my stature symbolizes my motivation; I’m not backing down this time,

I am not being pushed over this time, I am standing firm this time.

Foolish pride, what have you gotten yourself into?

Recite your words.

Tell yourself that you can get through it,

that you’re stronger than you’ve been showing these last few years.

Remember the “you” you used to be.

Remember how it felt when you were truly happy.

Remember.

Remember.” 07/02/2013

It comes down to minutes.

How you handle yourself in these pressing conversations.

These are just words I once wrote about you.

They shouldn’t mean a thing.

I can’t wait forever on you, baby.

Baby? Baby. I repeat the words as they sound foreign.

It’s been years since I saw you last.

And yet, I am comfortable in the role carved out for me.

My eyes aren’t as wide as they used to be, but I’m still breathing.

I am still me. And this is still some version of living,

and maybe one day I’ll be loving.

Maybe.

Maybe.” 07/02/2013

There’s no more room left for you;
in my heart, in my bed in my future plans.
You made it this way.
I never had say. I never had a win;
you rigged it from the start.
Made me fall so deeply in love, there was never a way out of this alive.
Well, here I am; skinned knees and all.
I am still the same girl, just bruised from the fall.
And at least I loved, at least I tried, at least I gave you my best from the start.
And someday I will be whole again, just not right now.
So don’t ask me if I’m okay, don’t remind me of our life that I wanted more than my own, just don’t.
This loss belongs to you.

“rigged.” 07/02/2013

I sat silent, for years now.

Hinting at quietly what I wanted to be.
I want to be happy,
I want to be in love,
I want to call you up just because.
And if you noticed, I am still the same,
the same girl you met, freezing in December, that made you feel again.
Oh. Life has gotten hard.
You’re cold and distant and we’re worlds apart.
There’s no point in me laying down,
because need to be up for battle when we’re on the second round
and I know you, at least, I’d like to
I see the person that you used to be when you loved me
but you’re gone, and I’m still searching for your ghost within these halls
and I’m searching for your love within my bed,
and I know now, that sometimes things just need to go rest.

wish list. 06/17/2013

There’s an empty that was never there before

I notice it like a room without you; just doesn’t feel right.

You say that I’m young and that I’ll be just fine.

Well I can’t just be anything I used to be,

you changed me.

I don’t fit in the places I used to,

I don’t care to.

If it’s not you, then it’s foreign.

Now I am left learning;

How to live, love, be any sort of me I once was

Before you made yourself comfortable.

I can’t even count the months,

You still run through my veins

Perpetually racing, wanting, waiting;
until it beats again.
perpetual. 09/05/2012

And what you can tell me is that you’ll never leave

it sounds so good coming out of your pretty mouth.

Deep down, I know it’s not real,

because sooner or later

someone always ends up alone.

It doesn’t matter if, you love them with all that you have,

one day you’ll wake to find that he’s gone somewhere.

He might be sleeping on couch, six feet under, or in someone else’s bed

but you end up winning the war on sharing the covers.

It’s not going to be me.

I refuse to pack my things again.

This is my home, see my picture, I hung it just now

to make this place look more relatable to yours

make you feel comfortable

as you visit my heart.

pictures make a home. 08/28/2012

I found your new favorite place, besides me.

and you seem to think that you know of the dark that consists of me,

I show you only what I think you can handle,

a pre-determined limitation of strength and willingness to keep at it,

I’m sorry if you feel undersold, but I have familiarized myself with this path before

I know where each line leaves us before the confessions even begin to  leave these lips

It will never be fair, it will never be easy.

And due to all the things that make us who we are,

you will never have me the way you want me.

It’s just a formality, to keep you guessing, to instill a safe distance

No one likes rough edges anyway.

edges. 08/28/2012

 

It’s important to date it,

let’s you remember a time when you felt again,

a time when you felt good again and you just happened to be in his arms.

And while you stare into his deep, green eyes; keep yourself.

Try to link back to your hard-pressed opinion;

“love is but an idea, an expectation, of what we should all be striving for;

to spend our whole lives searching for someone to love us whole.”

Well, I’ve learned that sleeping alone isn’t lonely,

it’s an owned comfort, because you will always have you.

And if you should find yourself with an unshakable thought of him,

maybe it’ s more than some underlying need to wrap yourself in the security of another,

more than seeking some sort of warmth, not producible by one,

perhaps it’s more than what you’ve intended or expected, this kind of more is better.

more. 08/27/12

 

There were shreds of light seeping through

when I met you,

Didn’t really know how dark it was before

There is a sort of calm about you,

I guess it was chaos before

And it’s a fearful proposition;

not sure if it’s a loaded gun

let it rest on your nightstand,

there’s no more war.

There’s a safety in your arms

that settles me.

There’s an unfamiliar comfort to you

which intimidates me.

But all it takes is that look you get in your eyes

to unarm me.

I’m not used to a good like you;

still watching for the cracks at the seams

your sincere honesty falls foreign on me

however I’m not running;

I have found myself drawing in cement.

so these things we cannot forget.

honesty. 6/4/12

And I remember when you just watched

I saw you disappear without any objection

I didn’t even matter that much

Collect your thoughts, saying this won’t come easy

And if I leave you , you won’t wonder

Grown accustomed to the comfort

Knowing that I will be back open armed and ready

For your new decision

Patterns circulating

I see what’s to come of this

Reality outweighs what I want it to be;

That you’re always right and I’m right besides you

When did I lose track,

When did my voice grow so small?

The time aligned with me falling for your words

And I am not meant to believe this

I am not that naïve

I’ve done this all before

No matter what role I lead

It’s the same circumstance

 september. 08/31/2010

You lace your tongue with reasons

Follow the stars back home

But it still leaves you in the cold

And if you close your eyes you can see

The way it was supposed to be

And even though you can’t quite make it out

Through the sun and the lights

It looks much better than before

Your heart is almost as loud as

Your heels on the pavement

If you think of me as much as I do we are fine

I found your old love letters

They used to line your books

I sent them away to someone;

It’s nothing personal.

There was nothing remotely familiar to the curve

Of your signature— so accustomed to you signing off

You say you miss the way the pen felt

That this new way just isn’t the same

But I can store you in places where you can never escape from

My memory fails me sometimes

So this is for the details, this is for me.

stored. 09/14/2010

And right now your body is parallel with mine

I bring you to my lips

Foolish pride what have you gotten yourself into?

Tell yourself you didn’t mean it

Reverse your heart; useless afterthoughts

He’s got you good— you love him too.

These are just words

Written about you

To remind you no matter the distance

That you have too much of me

An uncomfortable proportion of a confiscated heart

It’s yours.

Throbbing fingers take memorized paths

Across your parts that hold me

I’ll break you down in pieces, an easier negotiation

But your eyes get so blue

I need you separate, whole, always

Always.

always. 03/31/2010

This is what happens when you get in

Set your roots in my heart

Spread your limbs through my veins

You grow with me, you bend with me

We coexist, we complement

And there’s nothing wrong here

Except for my liquored tongue—

Saying too much.

I’m practically spilling myself out

You just watch patiently

You know you’ve always had me

roots. 01/14/2010

Last time I kissed you

There was the faint taste of optimism

Thoughts electrified insolent hopes

Bargain with yourself, keep quiet

You wrap yourself around me

I’d rather feel nothing more than this

Mere collection of emotions

And maybe it’s not for us to understand

It’s time to accept just to accept it

I think you were watching,  your eyes were wide

acceptation. 03/10/2010

You’re making it difficult to verbalize.

Replay these things

I cannot make sense of it

And maybe I’m not supposed to

It’s always you

It has always been that way

Without cognitive choice

Absent in the decision

Rationalize the beats; this is what we write of it

This is how we complicate and devastate

This is how we feel

You make me helpless

The takeover; disable my better judgment

I never had any other choice

It was done before

Incomparable, relatively foreign, magical

Feel the sparks through our veins

Ignite, burn, fury, addictive

Your lips, your pressure, your presence

This much feeling is dangerous

There is no compromise I want every piece of you

I came without levy

You already have me

pour toi. 03/02/2010

I liked you better without the words

Simply tangible actions

It hurts less.

Without expectations

And I have a tendency of giving myself away to easily

And if I let you in, chances are I may regret it

But you look so good just laying there

And if for a moment I let myself wonder

It would be a moment too long

Such dangerous thoughts should not linger.

“Tangible.” 02/03/2010

Something’s wrong, I can’t seem to reach you.

I’m having difficulty gauging you

I miss your eyes, how they found something deep in mine

We aren’t simply patterns, life in repetition

There need no explanation

I keep writing, maybe words will make sense of all this

I can’t keep writing you letters

With such an uncertainty of you never reading them

They keep talking, it’s just noise at this point

All it ever was, you protected me

You saved me from the sound

I need this; you.

Pause— a desperate attempt for rationality to take its place back in mind

Reason seems to fail me

I think I may break, I wasn’t supposed to bend this way

Whatever keeps you with me.

letters. 02/01/2010

 

It’s so cold

And I can feel your bones bend with me.

I’m envious of your clarity—

Maybe I could freeze the beats

I could think rationally

Place myself out of the reach out of your arms

Won’t fall victim to your eyes

Your slow descent to consume my heart

is overwhelming, there’s a realization but no yield

It’s as if I am just watching and feeling

And you ask me to be content with just

These passing hours and breathing

Well I’m not and I won’t be

This much responsibility can’t be this easy

And the more I think I know results in a less reality

I have so much faith in this uncertainty

I’m relatively naïve.

“Bend.” 12/07/2009

You’re like fire; a force so great

Overwhelmed my fighting capacity

Let you burn so bright

Your brilliance is captivating

I catch myself staring, I can’t help it

My mind and my heart have finally agreed

I can’t just ignore you

You’ve made me helpless

Maybe if I’d helped myself less to you

I wouldn’t have to have you

In my arms or around you

Intoxicate my rationality

An understanding beyond familiarity

“Helpless.” 11/30/2009

It’s got to be that time of night

It calls me into your arms

Persuades irrational thinking

Hours slip by, you encourage loss of count

You make me feel good

But you’re rarely a good influence

It doesn’t matter, it’s only temporary

Detach myself from hidden meanings

Your pressing hips

This is just what it looks like

So just stop looking

Enjoy the elapse of understanding

I’m here and this is now

Appreciate my company

Feelings only lingering

“Good.” 11/03/2009

 

You’ve got that kind of magic

That reaches to my bones

And wakes desire sleeping

A letter in your back pocket

Namely from your best friend

Missing you and the way you spoke

When you thought fondly of them

A shadow of a doubt is cast

It was inevitable

We were so in love

It was unpreventable

The cold sets in

She stretches to accommodate

Your sinking pain

Bending to alleviate

The things you didn’t say

Searching for a remedy

That time ultimately decides

Living with what was to take

Slow the beats to survive

Sharing the shell of our life

It’s been one month

Since I saw you last

Reach into your back pocket

Find a letter from your best friend

Telling you how much I miss you

“Inevitable.” 4/17/12

I found it within myself to let go of this aching guilt you’ve placed on me.

I forgive you for your resilient anger that took over the only person I’ve ever loved.

I still search for you in our bed,

I feel like I was missing the biggest part of me when I began to lose you.

I can’t help it, I still love you.

Sometimes I crawl atop your sleeping your body just to remember your warmth

Once I thought death was most painful, but this is far worse than I ever could have imagined

Well, when I look at you I see all the reasons why I swallow that sinking feeling; an unparalleled hollow,

And smile at you and mean it.

This is going to force me to be strong, whether my legs can take standing broken and lonesome

Eventually it won’t feel strange waking up without you

When I think of your perfect smile and how your hands would cradle my head as you kissed me I won’t break down completely. I’ll just push it to the farthest part of my cursed memory.

Days will pass, no matter how tightly I will fight to hold onto them

Days will go and there won’t be anything I can do to stop you from making up your mind

There’s nothing I can say now that I haven’t already said,

There’s not a thing I could do to make you feel the way I want you to

Unwillingly I surrender my faith to an unknown time with its own uncertain agenda

Unwillingly I must go to bed with my fears, cuddle up with doubt, and face each morning as it comes

Because it will come.

The sun will continue to shine.

Life will go on living.

Pieces will fall as they may.

“Fearful.” 4/05/12

I never agreed to this, ache.

I never saw the lines, you so clearly drew.

This is not the you that I’m used to.

I followed my heart and it got me lost,

I followed the signs, I must have misread them.

I followed the stars, then I remembered;

There are no stars in the city, they are just lights

I know nothing except this feeling now,

This is what “reeling” is

I am but a fishing wire

Trying to grasp onto a love that once held me,

Onto a life I thought I knew

At a time of such loss,

All I could think of was you.

It was always you, I never had a choice.

“Reeling.” 10/14/11

It’s exactly how you said it’d be; silent

This is the worst way to say

The things you really mean

They don’t come across easily

Well, I wish I could stop you there

Before the words set

Before I can’t erase them

But you kept on going

As if you enjoyed the sound they made

Maybe if I bury them deep

Enough they won’t resonate through my doubts

But I am flawed and I can’t forget

I cannot bury the words,

They are inherent of me

As soon as I am able to write them,

I can face it

I have been just floating;

Paralyzed from the pain from that night

Trying to find a way to dodge the implications

Trying to grasp onto the strength I once boastfully had

To pull myself together to stand beside you

To not feel the empty you created

This is me, now.

“Grappling.” 10/4/2011

 

And sometimes there is simply nothing left to say.

You know what needs to be done, you know the imminent pain

You want some familiarity—

You want the crush

Because you can’t take the waiting

It keeps you sinking

You start you search for the better;

To find a distraction.

It never used to be this hard

And this must be love,

Here comes the sacrifice

Here’s to your happiness

At the cost of mine

You should know that I’m always on your side

It’s a perfect sort of repetition,

You do it because you know it

I remember my wide-eyed ambition

I remember the sparks

Time separates who we once were and

who we ought to be

Growing up seemed like more fun that what it really is

They forget to tell you things;

How to smile,

How to hide the hurt in your eyes,

How to bargain with yourself,

It’s harder than it looks

To keep breathing.

“Keep breathing.” 12/2/10

Please let me know how I could be strong

Without you

I just don’t see how it can be done

This is my worst fall

I found your letters—

All addressed to someone else

There’s nothing you could ever say now.

I remember lights;

You hung the colors.

I never loved someone so much.

It hurts to swallow

I remember lights

Too long, my crutch

A wanted dependency,

Until all the walls fell from this home

Well I don’t know how to go back,

Nor do I want to

This was so easy, you just had to love me

I wrote your lines,

Gave you notes,

Gave you everything, to keep me

Whole.

Hold on, this shouldn’t be easy

There’s nothing left

But you’ve got yours, always had a safe bet

I forgot the traits to keep me safe

Lost them, when I lost myself to you

“Lights.”  11/30/10

I’ve sold all the parts

That made me who you used to know

Well I told you I loved you

But that was never enough

You have an idea

That you can miss

When you can’t reach me anymore

Then it starts; regret

you convince yourself that you saw me

You make a habit out of looking

Searching,

It’s a lonely thing

The truth in knowing you’ll never be in

My arms, because they didn’t hold you just right

But you didn’t mean, you were fishing for a way out

“Parts.” 11/15/2010

 

I’ve done my best,

Tried to put you away

Tried to keep you out of the places

That you always find yourself in

I’m not interested in this mess you make

I’m always the one

Left with the pieces

You don’t allow yourself to belong to any of it

It only results in hard swallows; prideless

Nervous, wanting you all the time

It’s not like I can, get to you the way I want to

Let me reach you,

Let me know you

You make me do it, force it on you

Make you know things

So I’m real to you

Not just your convenience, not just your getaway

“Real.” 11/15/2010

you can always count on the rain

to slow you down

leave you anticipating its retreat

this taste saturates my mouth

leaves me wanting you more

this is the place we said we’d be safe in

that we’d surrender any negative inhibitions

retire our plighting hearts for harbor

I believe in your words, although they are many

To fill the air

To ease my curiosity

To close the paths you thought I forgot about

Well I know them, know where they lead

Made my way through every consumable organ

Of yours— annexed, resided

Just because I could

Stuck between green and gray

In a synthetic light

Transitioned a means to this end

I’ll tell you all about it

You’re stranded in a pavement prison

Far from my reach

The problem with following your heart

Is that it is blind and selfish

It wants everything

It cares not for consequence

Well you don’t get to have me like that;

I changed my mind about you,

I can’t keep up this.

It comes down to these words—

It comes down to me in pieces

“Pieces.” 10/01/2010

I like the complexity of you;

fragile and nervous.

I watch you, so delicate

Choose my words with reason

Never know when you’ll stop listening

Disclose.

Speak factiously, merely habit

And all the ways, they lead me back to you

“Fragile.” 9/9/10

And I’ve got no particular reason

For hanging around.

Watch your eyes fill—

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be standing here

But I never see you this vulnerable

You left your things scattered around

In case I changed my mind

In case I needed a piece of you for a while longer

This wasn’t what I had in mind

but it wasn’t in yours either

No one’s to blame;

Lines written in these pages about you

I hear you,

You’re calling from the bedroom;

your infectious laughter

And I swore I felt your arms around me

They just watch, pity pouring down

They can’t speak, but I know better

Lay in your bed with you

As much as you love it, I’m doing this for me

It just happens because we lose sight for a while

We close up and shut down

We forget the paths we once knew

And when we look up we can’t find our way home

But we love the city we love to get lost in its streets

and I’ve got no reason for this

but I can’t help but want to see the sky

take a deep breath—

this is irrational

“Us.” 8/31/10

I couldn’t help but notice

That when you look at me

You look on by

I don’t know if it’s conscious or habitual

You keep it all in

Maybe if I asked- no

I started in the back

But these thoughts just creep through the pages

And if you just keep quiet

No one will ever know

You can have your thoughts,

The tears while I’m sleeping

You’re entitled to them

Write it down,

Eventually the want will dissipate

You will come to just accept it

Because you promised you’d always love me

back pages. 8/26/10

And I rather not know

Because knowing brings consequences

It bears responsibility

It forces an action

Whether you want to or not

You’re going to hate what I’m about to say

But I am going to say it anyway

Well I don’t need you like I thought I did

Turns out I can stand up tall now

All these years on the ground

All these years talking in turn

I miss my voice

I miss it against yours

If you just get yourself to that point

You won’t feel it

And it may not look right; sacrifice clarity

And I don’t know who you think you are

Coming into my heart like it’s an open place

tall. 8/25/10

And as long as I have to stay here

I will wait; hold my own hands

Just to give them some substance

I’m afraid the worst has come of this;

Cycles.

It was never you; it’s because I want more than knowing

You take as much space,

Leave me be

What you thought was right,

But how could ever really know

Because you swept me off my feet

Because I believed in you

Because you looked just like I wanted you to

And I will leave you open

So you can feel the sting

You can accompany me in this

Share the responsibility

“Shared.” 8/25/10

Last time I checked, you want this

You wanted to work it out

You wanted the hard work

I agreed but the problem is that

I will never be enough for you

I will never take over your heart I like I need to

Securely place myself in your veins

I ask a lot, I know that

And what’s wrong with wanting everything

“Security.” 8/24/10

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